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Why Indian men should be very careful in filing divorce

30 Jan 2015 By

To understand some of the terminology and context used in this post, reading some of the important posts is a must.

Now this post will cover the majority of cases of calls and issues received by men’s rights activists (MRAs) all over India.  Almost 80-90% of callers have been into very short marriages, anywhere from 1 year to 3 years where the time wife was in same home as husband maybe anywhere from few weeks, few months, or maximum maybe 1.5 years or so.  So even if the marriage happened 3 years back, the time wife stayed with husband maybe 1.5 years or so only.  These are just guidelines.  The important thing to understand is wife spent a significant time away from husband in initial few years of marriage and it was not due to practical issues related to job/workplace.

These husbands were unfortunate to get a bride from feminist/matriarchal families, who play by the simple rule that either husband is under their thumbs, or they file legal/criminal cases on him to extort a ‘mutual’ divorce and settlement running starting from demand of 20 lakhs to no upper limit, or/and properties of husband’s family.  After that, they may enjoy that settlement money or target their next ‘bakra’.  But it has been seen that their intention in life is more about destroying things and it is probably true that they don’t care about their societal image or even giving second marriage any seriousness.  For them, the only serious business about marriage is how to enslave husband and get his property and money if he balks at it.

Update 21/05/2017:

How much Alimony after divorce, or maintenance during divorce proceedings?

Many people keep asking about alimony, so my recent book covers the details on that: Alimony and Maintenance under Hindu Law (Paperback) (Kindle Edition)

Why most men facing 498A, DV, maintenance etc are into private sector jobs?

My theory is it’s by design, not by chance.  Most of such men facing these issues are into professional jobs like IT, finance, BPO etc.  Very few will be from business or such related work.  Also, it is rarer to see men from independent professions like CA, doctors etc.  There is a reason behind it too.  The conclusion I have reached is that professionals working in companies are targeted because of the following reasons:

  1. They are from typical middle-class families, with a mindset of playing by the rules, and being good citizens etc.  It is easier to manipulate such families.
  2. They start earning well in early part of carrier, and the feminist families target them for their ability to pay up possibly large sums of money within few years of marriage.
  3. Being from such middle-class mindset, they are especially worried about image in society and police cases and such things.
  4. It is rare also to see those in independent professions like CA, doctors facing 498A etc, and my guess is the feminist families don’t target them because they may start to earn well only after putting many years of experience.   That kind of long waiting game is not what the feminist wives and their mothers have in mind.  So they prefer to target the high-earning men in private esp MNC jobs and prefer them as husbands.
  5. For those in family business, if one person has a legal case to attend, other family members or workers can carry out the things in his absence.  But for a professional working in a 9-6 job, leaving work to attend court becomes a half-day or full-day leave from work.

Why filing divorce can be dangerous for men

Having gone through the problems created by wives and in-laws, many men are fed up, mentally tortured, and plainly looking for a way out of daily uncertainty that has become their life.

So filing for divorce seems like a natural way to proceed.  Many of them are also misled by the wily wives (and in-laws) who tell them: “let’s file for mutual divorce”.   Our straight/linear thinking professional men don’t give a serious thought to the question that if the wife wants a divorce anywhere after 1 day to few months of marriage, why the hell did she agree to get married in the first place?

No, they don’t dwell on that question much, because for them wife saying “let’s go for mutual divorce” almost seems like a Nirvana compared to the being married experience they have seen thus far.

If you married daughter from a feminist family, then once you file divorce, any or all of the following can happen:

  1. Wife will file DV (domestic violence case), and ask for both monthly maintenance, and compensation.
  2. Or she may file CrPC 125 and ask for monthly maintenance.  Here the advantage for her is that she may or may not make that serious allegations as in DV, so she keeps one option open to show that she can still come back.
  3. Your wife may file RCR (Restitution for conjugal rights), which means wife says that she wants to come back.  Then you get trapped because in front of the family court, you appear like the dowry-seeking, not-satisfied-with-one-wife kind of husband that the old TV serials used to show.  And your wife will appear to be the ablaa-naari who wants to dutifully go back to husband’s home but is so scared right now that she stays at he parents’ home.
  4. She could simply file HMA 24 to claim interim maintenance while you run in courts for next few years trying to speed up the case.  Again, she will be able to show she is the hapless woman left by husband because that story is all too easily believed by the white knights in society.
  5. Wife/in-laws will file IPC 498A on you.  This may happen before, after and any time gap with DV or maintenance cases.
  6. Along with IPC 498a, other things like IPC 406A (recovery of stridhan), 324 (assault), IPC 506 (criminal intimidation) and such sections are added usually too.
  7. The latest trend is that wife may file IPC 377 on you (unnatural sex), IPC 376 (rape) or 354 (outraging modesty of a woman) on your father or your brother etc.

So what happens usually is that once people face these cases, they forget about divorce and spend their time fighting above cases.  The whole scenario changes to proving you are not a bad husband/person from proving wife was not a good wife!

Most husbands who file divorce are totally unprepared

  1. They are unprepared for the delays in family courts of India, where the cases start after about 1.5 to 2 years and only after 5 years or so are pursued seriously by the judges.  It’s also be design, the family court judges award only mutual consent divorces, everyone else is supposed to do the rounds of courts for 7-10 years at the least for having done the unpardonable crime of having applied a divorce petition to family court!  Read this post where a recent example of delay is pointed out by Chennai HC, this kind of a thing is the norm, not the exception!
  2. Most people who apply do it out of frustration to get out of their situation.  They do not collect much evidence, and all they have to tell the court is that their wife has left them and hasn’t come back.  At maximum, they will have some messages from wife where she says that she will come back if he takes a different house, doesn’t stay with parents etc.  Such messages will not prove anything conclusively whether it was wife who left him deliberately or she was troubled by her parents which will be her routine answer.  The woman empowerment theme which is all the rage these days means that her words even if full of contradictions and lies will carry weight compared to his defence of his parents.
  3. They are unprepared to handle the DV, 498a, maintenance cases filed by wife.

Why your divorce is not MRA’s problem or men’s rights issue?

People going through tortuous marriage come to men’s rights groups, and since their symptoms seem to match, they seem to think that they are eligible to get how-to-divorce-wife as part of the free social service MRAs are providing to deal with 498A/406 criminal cases, or maintenance/DV cases.

That is NOT the case.  It has been consistently (99% of the time) observed that men who are too eager for divorce, cannot hold their impatience or frustration for much long — it seems 2 years is their maximum time limit before they will explode out of frustration, or maybe they believe they will become old, life is slipping away; whatever be the reason they almost always are the first to crack and agree to pay up to go for mutual settlement with wife.

Also, they think of it as purely individual problem (but of course MRA should help them in personal problem!) and not a societal or justice issue.  So there is zero chance they will do even a bit of work towards men’s rights.  In fact, most divorce seeking men will try to hide from activism hoping not to ruin chances of second marriage by appearing to go against women.  And it is almost certainty that if they did get good advice which got them divorce with no alimony, they will be the first to ditch all association with MRAs, and congratulate themselves on the ‘smart’ achievement of getting things done without doing anything for others.  That in fact is one of the definitions of ‘smartness’ in India.

So the advice is: if you want divorce, take responsibility for it yourselves, and don’t bother MRAs for advice on how to divorce wife without paying maintenance or alimony.  That route is different, which takes self-respect, courage, patience (definitely more than 2 years), and dealing with uncertainty.

Update 7th Jul, 2016: Another post on why MRAs don’t/won’t/can’t give help on how to divorce wife

Men file divorce, and then flock to men’s support groups

We had started discussion and community groups for men on WhatsApp and Facebook in Jan 2015.  It has been going quite well, and joining these groups has given people courage to take a firm stand instead of giving up even before a ‘fight’.   What is being seen is that many men are joining these groups AFTER filing divorce on wife, and then coming to us when they face multiple retaliatory cases by wife which can be any combination of DV (domestic violence) case, CrPC 125 for maintenance, IPC 498A to keep you (and family) busy in criminal courts, and so on.  It is clear that their learned lawyers didn’t inform them of the 99% chance that your wife will file such cases after you file divorce case on her.  That’s how the lawyers work, their focus (and maybe even duty) is about filing cases, and not getting any defined results for client.  But it maybe not too late to learn even now for those husbands who have filed a divorce case.

To tackle this issue of rising divorce filings by men, and subsequent flocking to men’s support groups; I have written a book on the topic of divorce for men: containing topics like wife’s cruelty, desertion, false cases/allegations by wife, adultery by wife, annulment due to fraud in marriage etc.  One reason of writing that book was also because many of our members were deeply curious about the topic of divorce, and when people are curious about something but they are unable to satisfy that; they will most likely head to a lawyer’s office in search of a solution, and the only solution lawyer can give is to file a divorce petition.  He’s not going to look at merits of case, probability of winning, how many years it might take the client to get divorce even if he has good evidence, and so on.  Lawyer will file the case, and then the client will be there for at least 1.5-2 years, by which time the client again starts to lose patience, and this time he comes to men’s rights groups asking about: “my wife is not coming to court in my divorce case, but she is attending all her maintenance hearings”.  That is the rule, not the exception.  Did you think it’s your wife’s duty to cooperate with you in your divorce case?

To tackle such issues and reduce time and effort of MRAs getting diverted into these issues, I have written the book on topic of divorce for men.  It contains more than 70 judgments on topics of divorce due to cruelty, desertion, adultery, false cases by wife, wife’s adultery, annulment etc.  The best way to approach this book is as a self-study guide.  Read the judgments (including my summary, and commentary), and make own conclusions about strength/weakness of your evidence, case (if already filed), and what to expect down the line.


Read my maintenance book (DV and CrPC 125) if you want to save HARD EARNED money. Use coupon code MenToo to get 52% discount and help it win Sales Contest to promote #MenToo awareness.  (Kindle eBook version)  (Print Paperback version)

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Read this FREE eBook written by fathers involved in child custody issues(PDF book)

Click this link to download a FREE sample chapter from the book, for your own personal reading only. By downloading it, you agree not to share it publicly or upload anywhere on internet or social media.

The kindle eBook is available at (Note: available in Kindle format only, not in print or PDF formats):

Book: Guide for men on Divorce, Cruelty, Desertion, Annulment

Book: Guide for men on Divorce, Cruelty, Desertion, Annulment – by Vivek Deveshwar

To know how to purchase and read on Kindle, go to end of this post and read the how-to etc.

Since questions on divorce are not part of our social work, but still people keep sending comments and emails, we have included divorce queries as part of our paid guidance via Man to Man Solutions.  For free guidance on divorce, try getting from a lawyer!

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Comments

  1. Dear friends, My situation is same as all of you. I got married in 2012 summer, there were many dispute happen in my home mostly initiated by my wife, she used dispute with my mom, and used go her mother home every two three month after 15-20 days used come again and asking me to telling me its my mom fails. But two month Back she started started Physical fight with my mom I was I saw it I was Sleeping that time urgently I woke up and separated them In between separating both of them I catch her Hand which she raised for my mom, then she made self injury by hitting her head to wall, hitting her hand on wall deliberately, and I ask her to calm down, she said remove your mom from home or take me separate home (The wish she is having in her mind very beginning of marriage come out again it was around 100th instance of saying her after dispute) I said if you don’t want to be with me then go where you want but my son(2 years old) stay with me, she left home and went to P. S. I Was not aware where she went , all incident happened in the morning , and in night police officer call me to police station I went there and I was shocked her MOM,DAD,Uncle,and she all were present there. Police officer said you have bitten your wife so badly, where is her son give him to her custody, and said come again next day morning, I WAS SUCH A SHOCK MY WIFE WENT AGAINST ME IN POLICE STATION WHERE THERE WAS NO MY FAULT AT ALL, I WAS THINKING WERE WAS MY MISTAKE, AFTER COMING TO HOME SUICIDAL THOUGHTS STARTED IN MY MIND, I CRIED ALONE ,I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY SON, I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY MOM, I WAS TO COMMIT SUICIDE THAT NIGHT, BUT I HAVE HABIT READING BOOK WHENEVER I’M IN TENSE, SO I READ “SHRIMAD BHAGVAT GITA,” THIS WAS NOT FIRST INSTANCE WHEN I READ BHAGVAT GITA BUT LAST I READ IT WAS WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL DAYS. next day went to police station as they ask me to come there officer asked me what you want to do , I said I want my son, My Mom, I want to take care of both of them, But my wife fights in home with my mom for unnecessary reason and ask me to take separate home,He said you have to choose your wife or your mom one of them, I said for taking separate home i need money and time , he said go to marriage counselor, I ask whether she has filed case or not he said no she has not filed case but medical reports suggest injury on her body. He said let her go his mom home along with her son, let some time pass, and try to solve your dispute, I said ok. then she went, didn’t inform me where, didn’t allow me to see my son, and not allow me to talk to my son, so After 5 to 6 days latter I stop calling her, almost 50 days i dint’ call her , Now he has approach women welfare org In Pune. that lady asking me to come to there office to solve dispute, I said I want my wife and my son, I don’t want to break my family, and I’m accumulating money to take separate home for our self, she was saying you have bitten your wife I have report but your wife also wants to stay with you but she scared of you and your mom so she is not coming back to you. I said i could not come but can come after 1 month latter as i’m quite busy with my work,she saying this thing is not acceptable, I said I don’t know anything about pune I’m from Thane if possible come to Thane we will discuss or give me 1 month time I will take 1 day leave and come there after one month.

    points.
    **Bhagvat Gita help me to overcome emotional atyachar, and this group help me to start fighting*****Thank you Videv and all volunteer you are realy a Heroic.

    1. She is belong to feminist family, her mom beats her husband throws food on her husband face,
    2. She supporting to her doughter to file csse in police station ,women welfare ..etc.
    3. Her mom has made her first daughter get her separate home , even though that guy has big home and he is only son , but property belong that guys mother,
    4. I made my mind to end relationship, But unable to do so as advice by many Friends and group such as MenRightIndia,SIF,etc. after going through it I have stop, using word “divorce”.
    5. My mom is dependable on me , she is having HIgh blood pressure and sleep apnea , joints proble, , asthama,
    6. My son is just 2 year old, I don’t want him to be in her full time custody, means I”m okay if 50:50 percent share parenting.
    7. I’m looking to get separate home for her, but I could not be with her,
    8. She was working before, now saying i will work or not its my wish,
    9. If i used word divorce she may start DV, crpc 125,or 498a,or any thing as she is in contact with Women welfare org. and her mom given threat to my mom, she may anytime put behind bar.
    ……………….
    I have read laws,act,rights,all are made to make men fullfill women dezires……..
    I am ready to be patience till I get divorce….

  2. Hi, We got married in Nov 2013. Before that we were living in the live-in relationship since Jan 2013 to Nov 2015.

    Before marriage she told me that she had a divorce from her 1st husband but later I found that she got divorce 5 months from the date of our marriage. Now I don’t want to live my wife and want a divorce because she is mentally torturing me and always fights for no reason.

    Please tell me if our marriage is void and what will be the consequences if I file a divorce?

    • Question has wrong data… married in Nov 2013, and live-in also till Nov 2015. You should check with a good divorce lawyer on your questions, I can’t help here.

  3. I have problem with my wife from 4 years, in 2008 i got married that time i was fully unemployed or going through without any source of money. then we started a job in private sector starting salary in 2009 was 5000 rupees fix. after i try to go gulf country and i was success to get a job in saudi arabia. we start life very happily. from 2008-10 my wife stayed at my parents home, then she not agree to stay with my family due to my child future, we decided to she stay in city, and she started to stay alone with my child in difrent city, after i earn some money then i buy a flat in other city and keep this flat for future use. this flat bought in the name of my wife.
    agin last year i purchase a land in current city where my wife and child staying, approx vale 85 lac to 90 lac. again i bought this property my wife name.
    after shifting in this home my wife started with me to misbehave or indiscipline, or she dos’t like to come and visit my all relatives at this home. Now any where she want to go she is not informing to me. and she want to stay his all brothers, sister come nd stay my home. problem now start to both me and my wife using abusive language for both. now i plan to give a divorce without any violation. But she warn me that she will destroy my parents and family relatives.
    What is the final step we have to do regarding divorce. Please help. I am belonging to Muslim Family and we need solution under muslim marriage act.

    • Generally when you are desperate and want solution, the only solution will be cases filed. Divorce by you, and she will do something which will ‘destroy’ the whole world according to her or what else; it’s up to you to handle it with mental toughness.

      Having bought 2 properties in wife’s name, your wife is now fully ’empowered’, so I guess now you can educate others on your experience.

  4. Hi ,

    i was working in mnc in other country,I got married on 19-nov-13, My first night was spoiled completely because of her, i did not tell any body this things that time , for our Value & her Father Value, after few days i go back to my job, she’s & her Parents are daily push to me to came back to india because of company not issue the family visa, her father also try to purchase the visa , but visa is not done. & told me that come to india , i will help to start business or job. after few month i came back to india but still i ‘m jobless, & in two year, she is stay with me only eight Month,in 8 month she & her parents both are quarrel with me & my Parents & Told “i will kill your family” , because he is earned black money by thieving bitumen / Diesel / Petrol from Refinery. My father is small businessmen , mother is housewife,
    now she is file a divorce & want 3 LAC rs and furniture etc. Please Help me .

  5. Hello Sir,
    My father has done re-marriage in year 2010/2011 after 3-4 years of demise of my mom. He is not living with me after marriage.
    Now a days, he is so frustrated with her and want to separate from her. She restricts him to meet with my daughters.
    He is in fear that once he take action for divorce, she may take action by wrong case filing against me & my brother. It was happened in past as well.
    Pl. suggest
    a. How can we protect ourself for against any wrong case (which will give confidence to my father to proceed for divorce case)
    b. Suitable steps which guide for easy separation between these two.

    • >>a. How can we protect ourself for against any wrong case (which will give confidence to my father to proceed for divorce case)

      You can collect evidence of her behaviour etc, whether it will protect in future or give confidence to file divorce one can’t say.

      >>b. Suitable steps which guide for easy separation between these two.

      nobody knows

  6. My wife wants divorce from me. I do not want to give that. She said she is fed up of marriage. She do not like my dad and mom relationship with which she always feel uncomfortable. When she have problem with mom she never clarify it with her and even when she tell me she order not to talk anything to mom.(for last one year). Now she is coming to thresh-hold. We have 1 years of marriage. Questions i need answer are -> If we go by mutual divorce then what i need to pay to her? My property is my scooter only all else is my dad. I earn 20,000 per month; what compensation may she demand or what should i give?

    • >>If we go by mutual divorce then what i need to pay to her? My property is my scooter only all else is my dad.

      Pay whatever you can maybe even by selling your dad’s property, what else advice can you get when you don’t show any evidence of having a spine!

  7. Hi Everyone…Please guide me..i got married in 2011 and 2012 i have a daughter, ours is a hindu marriage and i stay along with my parents.starting my wife is fine later on she started to go her home house frequently.i didn’t say anything..she doesn’t know any work in house she is more educated and more earning than me.my father went for bypass surgery after 5 months of marriage at that time he had converted to christian and later my mother converted too.my mother has both knees problem and doctor asked to replace them.she just do her job and nothing else everything my mom used to do.her family is against to Christians and several times she had asked me for separated family but i had disagreed due to my parents health.she had left from my home this time for 9 months and after that she had raised a complaint in P.S that i had a affair and at my home every one are torturing her harassing her.we had compromised and brought her home then lots of fights happened in between both the families .after coming home and staying for three months again she got conceived and left the house in 45 days from conceive date.she not even informed to me when she is in hospital for delivery.after delivery to boy she again raised a complaint in ladies P.S which was the same previous she has raised in P.S unnecessary they drag the lady in office to P.S saying that i have affair..every where they are paying money in P.S for favour saying i have to stay with my in my in-law house.They threaten us and lady by calling to P.S but by gods grace we are out from there after that this time they have booked 498a dv act on me even here they gave money and asked police to pressure me and family for separate family.But by god grace we are in bail myself parents and sister.Its almost 2 years she is away from my home no words from both the ends.How to proceed abot this?i want divorce from her but we are middle class we dont have huge amount for settlements.Please advice.

    Teddy
    9160567955

    • 1. If she is not agreeing to divorce, then how will even paying money help?

      2. If she is working and earning more than you, then why should she get any settlement, it should be you and it’s allowed in HMA sec 25. But of course that’s only if a divorce case if filed and granted in the end, at which time the whole System will descend on husband trying to convince him to fulfil his husband’s duties by paying up to wife! We don’t advice on divorce anyway because people end up paying money to get divorce and we don’t want to have anything to do with that.

  8. Videv – u are a xxxyyyzzz less guy. Why do u get married demanding streedhan first of all? Seriosuly? All the points u mentioned that feminist family may go for recourse agaisnt a chauvenist, criminal male family is all legal recourse and nothing illegal about it. If men are becomin more xxxyyyzzz less day-to-day in India then what will the girl or her family do

    • Ho ho… Actually even once scared men are showing that they have xxxyyyzzz after reading this site.

      Your real problem seems to me that you filed some cases on husband hoping for quick ‘settlement’, but he has shown he has xxxyyyzzz, and he is not giving you the much wanted divorce without which the feminist dole doesn’t kick in… ouch, that hurts. Else what exactly would you be doing here reading a post meant for men — doing some research in social sciences?

  10. can you help me from past 20 years iam abused when ever i ask for money to my husband iam not financially indipendent at this age can ido something with two kids studying and nowhere to go my father in law advised me for court case which idont want my husband and his brother are doing business together every thing is in my brother in laws name

    • >> every thing is in my brother in laws name

      It seems to me even your husband is not financially independent! What will filing court case on him achieve then?

  11. Hello Videv,

    Your site and blogs are very informativge, I am reading your both the books from last month. I am married in may 2015 month and after 12 days later my wife asked me to give divorce with one of her friend(girl) because she is loving with one boy from college days and they both love each other. she said she will not live more days without him and she can go to any step to get his boyfriend. She also told that not to tell about divorce and anything else to her relatives. She was not considering me as her husband and not looking at me that time.
    I tried to convince her and told to forget that boy but she was not listening and then finally I told about this to her father and uncle. Then we went to police station and she accepted all the facts and told the
    name of his boyfriend. Police also told to her forget everything and now move on.

    She stays with her relatives for some days and she came back to home again. After that there is no change in her behavious and she does not want any relation betweem us. Me and my mother-father not asked anything about her past and we dont know about what the plan they did when she is with her relatives.

    After staying 20 days she called her family members and they threaten us and takem back her with them.
    Then she complaint about me and my family members in CAW but after I shown them message of her boyfriend and other information them they asked about the real thing. She convienced all the above and its true.
    She gave in written statement that she is having affair with that boy after marriage and now she forget but
    me torture him after that and might I am having affair also.All her relatives now with her and they are not
    accepting about what happend in the past.

    They were asking about money to solve the problem else they will file cases on me before aug 2015.
    Now in sep 2015 she filled false cases of CRPC 125 and DV case on me and my family members. They just want money from us and ready to take cases back and mutully divorce.

    My question is that I am having her boyfriend messages and recording (1 hr) about she asked me for divorce with her college friend and written copy of CAW where she accepted all the things and some false allegation on me and my family. How much above three facts are usefull in above two cases.

    Thanks and Regards,
    Abhay Patil

    • >> How much above three facts are usefull in above two cases.

      Useful if you patiently willing to fight it out. Not if you are unable to get past your own laywer’s objections.

  12. Dear Sir, Looks you providing great suggestions. As we married 5 yrs ago was good and well for less thsn a year .even though I was maintained very much patience. She simply harassing words on my parents also there is no understanding at all.There will lot of problems I came across was waiting will take time but doesn’t work. Even at the time if quarrel I used to say stop talking now no more conversation please stop, she never consider that. My parents were dedicated and worked very very hard to gave up 3 of their child’s.all were advised once u get child problem will get resolve. But more problems rased after m son birth , from their family each of them were started to insult me and my family. Even I was very quite and calm being thinks about family respect but last 6 months I was really disappointed and dislike this life that I dont want any more even I can leave my child also .My parents call their parents to discuss by that her dad beat me and scold me. Now I decided to live alone as I fed up with my family life. Becoz of this stress I am facing lot of health issues. So I decided don’t want to continue further. Please advise how to convey her that I need mutual consent also willing to give my full property settlement also.I need peace of mind and hapy life. I know very well she never change, I have lot of chances.even many astrologier says that she won’t take any adjustment in life.

    • Having a child actually increases the problems, but the old generation has no idea what they are dealing with; so they keep parroting useless advice.

      How to convey mutual consent to your own wife? I can’t say exactly… maybe you can attend some confidence building workshop etc

      Full property settlement? Why not give it to some orphanage?

      What exactly did the astrologers say before marriage? 🙂

  13. I took my wife after marriage to US in 2003. We stayed together for 4.5 years in US and had two kids. In 2007, we returned to India for family ceremony. My wife hardly stayed with me for couple days and then went at her father’s place. She didn’t even come for visa stamping, so I went alone for stamping and left for US. Again, after 5 months I returned to India to take my wife-kids back to US. I went at my wife’s place and told them I will be coming back after 2 days to pick them. But next day, in my absence 25-30 people mob from my in-laws came to my house started shouting. Pushing my old father, and spitting bad words to my mother and younger sister. My younger sister called police bcoz they were getting violent, but later she sent them back. Then my in-laws and wife, went to Ladies Police station and filed complaint. My family got information about that, and they forced me leave India right away. Later, I came to know, that my wife filed 498a, 294, dowry etc and Domestic Violence against me and 5 of my family members. Also, she filed maintenance 125 at Family court. Then Red Corner notice, LOC look out notice, complaints at few police station and at woman organization, etc.

    In my absence 498a trial went and my wife lost. My family members were acquitted. Now she has further appealed. In DV, the court ordered that my wife come to my father’s house with police protection. My father went to HC, and he was successful in getting the stay. But, he agreed to pay Rs 2500 rent amount every month to my wife.

    Now, when I returned from US, I was arrested due to LOC at the delhi airport. I was kept in Tihar jail for 2 days, till my state police comes and take me to 498a Court. Police brought me thru train to my state and further I was kept for a night in jail till I get bail. Now, I got bail but have restriction of not leaving the state etc. So, 498a, 294, dowry etc charges are pending against me.

    Second, in Family court we had few counseling sessions, but did not get materialize. I mentioned that, still I am willing to save my marriage and take care of kids. Even, I invested Six Lac FD as security and rented an apartment, but still she refused. So, I have replied to her application. Now the next court date is after 2 months.

    Third, we had 11 mediation session at HC, but she didn’t agreed to settlement term. I also got fed up in last session and I blurted that I want divorce. I can no longer live with this crazy woman who leaves her temper now and then and goes physical. Also, she still bad mouths me and my parents and has got no manner or respect towards elders.

    Question: Need to know, how divorce works from HC. They were talking about some 31b. Is final alimony settlement better or paying every month? I believe HC will remand the case back to lower/family court. Should, I fight for maintenance amount at Family Court or whatever both parties decide at HC will be final? Also, because of this FIR and cases, I am having hard time getting job. Also, I have spoiled relations with my other family members who are facing charges, since I mentioned that I am going to compromise with my wife for kids.

    I would appreciate, if you could reply to my dilemma.

    • Generally in family courts, they will consider what’s good for the wife (and 2 children I guess will be in her custody). Man is anyway supposed to brave up and take all the shit thrown by wife, because that’s what men do.

      I can’t comment on how to handle family members. Whatever one does, everyone won’t be happy, so one might as well start to decide things for oneself.

      Regarding settlement or monthly, we don’t advise on divorce as part of men’s rights work, because 99% of the time it’s feeding the divorce industry because whenever a man gets his ‘freedom’ by paying settlement, it sets an example for other women to follow.

  14. I married in Q4 2014 in India.

    Me and my wife have since spent max 8 weeks together. She has been in another country for past 8 months and me in another for past 4 months owing to our careers and for the fact that our differences are irreconcilable and we do not feel like spending time together.

    Over a documented email she has promised me an easy divorce and assured me that no hassles or trouble shall come to my family from her or her family. She has also assured me that she wants no part of my money.

    Should I go ahead and file for divorce ?

    • >>Should I go ahead and file for divorce ?

      It’s a free country.

      However, my guess is she has laid this sophisticated trap, and the true events will reveal only after you file divorce. If she is such a saint and wants mutual divorce with no alimony, why doesn’t she actually do it?

    • She is setting a trap, Never do it.Change your number and address, Acquire citizenship of that country, remember Indian marriages are invalid in other countries. If she is intelligent, rich and has the registrar certificate, then you must be cautious, wait for her to marry first and then you can proceed wit ease.

  15. Hello sir,

    sir, i got married last year back after two months my wife left. Now she is staying in her parents house and she doesn’t want come and join with me now. So i appealed to the court and submitted the petition like “come and join with me”.

    This month we both will face before the judge for judgement. What will happen ? what they will do the procedure? Will they take responsibility to rejoin us?.

    whether counselling or deeply go through the problem where it came? But she is strongly reject me what they will do? actually why she is rejecting me in the sense now i am searching job earlier i worked.even i dnt have a job i am earning 11000/- per month.

    Please kindly kindly my mail

    • Videv hi ,
      Its a very useful article to learn for wife and her parents psychology and mind games. However the question that remains unanswered here is if the wife leaves you and start living separately what are the options a man should explore

  16. Hello sir/madam,
    I got married in the year june20009, i got married in tamilnadu , my wife stayed at my parental home in tamil nadu for just 4 days and i took her to my place in karnataka, she stayed with me for about 4 months fight started between us , she goes to her native and comes back after 5 to 6 months , this happend almost 3 times from 2009 to 2012, in the year 2012 she left from my home in karantraka,
    she didnt come back after that , whenever i call her , her father says the astroglgy doenst match between u both and u both have to stay separate. in the due course of time, i received a letter from court in the month of aug 2013, family court – sec 127 , and sec -9 – monthly mainteance and conjugal rights

    under DVA – maintenance, sec 18 a b , sec 19 a ,d . sec 20 etc..

    now the DVA court ordered to pay 6k as maintenance, however i dont have a job now,
    and because of this court i was not able to go to any job because every month i been called 4 to 5 times,

    mediation my wife says , he is not coming and she canot live with me , the only demand is to pay her monthly money which will help her to take care of her day to day things.
    we dont have kids,
    can any one please tell me , inspite of filling conjgual rights, she says she cannot come to live with me .

    then why she needs money . ?
    if at all she needs money she is not telling or coming forward for settlement.

    what is her intention towards this case.

  17. Hi Videv,
    I filed for a divorce in March 2013 under mental cruelty.
    Wife filed 498(a),503,504 against me and my family in August 2013.
    I and my family were behind bars for a week.
    Now in the family court she says that wants to reconcile.
    I want to know if I get a divorcee decree from family court, can the lady go to High Court for any judgement relief sanctioned by the lower court.
    My decision to divorce her is firm.

    Please advise.

    Thanks in advance

    • Married 2009

      Divorce MCD 2010

      Remarried a divorcee girl 2011

      Son born 2012

      Son ill wife went to her family treatment him 2012

      I filed divorce custody2012

      She hma24 during case

      maintenance fixed, I withdrew

      Mediations she say to come back 

      We don’t want her to come back

      She files cases 125 498 dv 

      Now I files nullment of marriage

      Pls tel chances if win nullment case. And if she wins, wat will then happen

      I not pay 125 maintenance 2 years now warrants issue but I file quashing 125 in high court. High court date before 125 next date

      will I get stay if I don’t tel court abt warrants n will 125 be able to quash

      I have resigned job, put blame of losing job on her as I HV proof, she complained my officer of my 498 case so I said I resigned because harassment

      Hma12
      My claim is that there were no pheres saptpadi ( seven rounds around fire) Our marriage very simple only 15 family members No sphere in hotel room, only garland, ring manglasutra,sindhoor My claim, we married n cohabilitated because at marriage time, girls family denied this saptpadi ritual in their family, but now just now I came to know this ritual prevails in their marriage, so fraud in ceremonies my advocate assures 1. Hindu wedding not valid without saptpadi 2. Section 7(2) HMA 3 section 12(c) Can I win ‘. If not, wat happen? Plss guide we have a 3 year old sonPls pls and experts, I need or guidance My advocate says he will prove my marriage void I am listing wat he told me to do,  Kindly advise wat he is trying to do 1. He told me to get RTI from hotel wherein the hotel reply_  ”the room was booked for get together but was amended in register as marriage purpose on or after the day of function(There is actually also cutting, firstly written get together, then cut and written marriage) Wat is this? Is he trying to prove that she forced me to marry or wat?such amendment in purpose of booking is going to help? There were only 15 people in marriage, only family members no outsider, photos of  girl in bride costume, garland, jewellary given etc are there In such situation, what can the wife say to prove marriage had taken place Pls help

      • Your advocate will certainly be much richer by end of it. And even if marriage is not proved, ‘wife’ can still claim maintenance or herself and son.

  18. Hello Sir

    Great job done. Your site is very informative. My question is can she file case against me based on Declaration Letter (a letter send by my lawyer confirming divorce via SMS three times as per Islamic Law) since it is stated on yur site that only after filing the Divorce case in the court, the wife can slap a dozen case on the husband.

    • >> only after filing the Divorce case in the court, the wife can slap a dozen case on the husband.

      Wives can file cases with or without any divorce notice by husband, but divorce notice will be the easy trigger. I don’t think I said dozen cases, but sometimes the number of IPC sections and non-criminal cases can reach a dozen also.

  19. Sir,

    Please provide me your email id, would like to discuss with you,which is urgent.

    Regards,
    Ram

  20. i am unemployed after case 498a filing i am giving maitenence charges to my wife and also have a kid can i file the divorce case,we are separated since 3 years she doesnot giving evidence(cross by our advocate)since 7 months her father statement or cross or evidence already recorded in court but she passes the time and she doing job in a private school if i prove this in ‘court her maintenance charges will close or if i file a divorce case what should she will do is there chances of increase the maintanance allowance or others Pls suggest on my email id

    • I can post reply to public comments publicly, not to email id.

      The intention of this site is to fight against abuse of men’s rights, not about how to get divorce. Divorce laws are not fundamentally gender-biased (child custody and maintenance are though), so you can make your own decision.

      Better read the divorce book and maintenance book to decide for yourselves, else your road will be whichever route the lawyers take you.

  21. My wife filed case of 498a and 125 maintenance in the year 2012 almost 3 years had gone to whole family members we got Stayed for my sister From High court for not to be present in the lower court same exemption was also filed for my brother in high court but after 2 years passed high cout advocate said that we are just passing the time your brother name will not get stayed from high court and recieved 50000/- from us now my brother joins in private company he missed the two dates of 498a in lower court because he is on official training now the judge said that submit training certificate i want to ask that he is doing private job my wife and her parents can interfere in his job or can they have his certificate from court and start disturbing in his office

    • >>he is doing private job my wife and her parents can interfere in his job or can they have his certificate from court and start disturbing in his office

      lame excuse in my opinion…. Already you have 498a on whole family, we want people to get courageous and demand for rights, and criminal courts are not bothered about such emotional/fear issues, especially for the accused by women.

  23. Sir, I am married for 11 months now. Not a single month as passed where she has gone to her parents house tp stay. The inlaws in the put the blame completely on me. The worse was her father interfeared in out fight and raised his hand on me and pushed me out of his house. And asked me file a divorce.

    Please suggest me the ways to end this wedding. Me and my family are sick about these theatrics.

    Thanks

    Regards,
    Rrrrr

  24. Hi,
    I wanted suggestion regarding my case. Would appriciate your views/comment/suggestion.
    I got married in Feb’13. For 11 months there were regular quarrels(both small and big) between us, related to very small things like not picking up her mom’s phone while I was driving, etc etc etc. By Big i mean either my wife locks herself in room and I try to persuade her or I complaining to her mother. This continued for 11 months. Later in Jan’14 she went abroad(on company visit) for 15 months. She did not took me in confidance before going rather she lied initially. I came to know the tenure just before going out. But I cant prove that she havnt informed me regarding this, nither can she prove that she had informed me. While she was there We had not kept any contact for 6 months(from may’14 to oct’14). Then I started contacting and persuaded her that there is nothing left in marraige. We mutually agreed on divorce. She came back in Mar’15 but refuced for divorce and rather is forcing me to stay away from my parents(but to continue the relationship with them). And also she’s living away(not with me nor with her parents).
    What I want! well I am tired of fighting, I can not convence her anymore that in a relationship we have to listen to each other(she does what ever she wants, which is exactly the opposite of what I say). I have fighted, included her mom, brother, father and even their Pandit. But its of no use. I have even sent her notice via local lawer but again its of no use. They are becomeing more agressive and point me out for everything.
    Please suggest if I should finally send a divorce notice, any thing else is possible?
    Not to mention I am being threatened by them of false cases.

Trackbacks

  6. […] You can read another post of mine on why Indian men should be very careful before filing divorce.  If that has not dissuaded you, maybe the best course of action would be to do some study of your own in understanding the process of divorce, key judgments, strength/weakness of your evidence/case etc.  The only reason an Indian husband should file divorce is if he is convinced that handling multiple cases like his own filed divorce case, maintenance (HMA 24) filed by wife; and most likely other cases like DV Act, IPC 498a/406 filed by wife — will be much better than living in uncertainty and torture of wife. […]

  7. […] You can read another post of mine on why Indian men should be very careful before filing divorce.  If that has not dissuaded you, maybe the best course of action would be to do some study of your own in understanding the process of divorce, key judgments, strength/weakness of your evidence/case etc.  The only reason an Indian husband should file divorce is if he is convinced that handling multiple cases like his own filed divorce case, maintenance (HMA 24) filed by wife; and most likely other cases like DV Act, IPC 498a/406 filed by wife — will be much better than living in uncertainty and torture of wife. […]

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