There’s a saying: you can’t sail in two boats at the same time.
But I see even in men rights groups (like our Facebook group) — from deciphering some of the questions and comments — that people want to sail in two boats at the same time:
Boat 1/Survival-Slave: Possibility of living together (or more correctly under the same roof) with a manipulative, narcissistic, toxic female who calls herself your wife. This inspite of she abusing you/mother/father, giving suicide threats etc. This is the Survival Boat, other synonyms being Zombie, Slave, Pet-Dog-of-Wife-In-Laws Boat.
Boat 2/Dignity-Self-Respect: Some unavoidable pain and uncertainty in short term (2 years is short term), but idea of saving one’s sanity and self-respect, and not to say the least: “protect my parents“… the often repeated mantra which is actually used by ‘victims’ to justify their actions which are similar to riding Boat 1. This is the Self-Respect and Dignity Boat.
Usually people keep repeating the behaviours similar to riding in Boat 1, till the time a threshold of either criminal allegations, or tolerance or pain is crossed when a person says finally: “there is no hope and no future in going back now”.
The problem is people (not just who call us) but even those who join the groups, think they will act smart and pretend ‘I-am-fully-in-but-still-learning-things‘, to try to fool others into thinking that they want to ride in Dignity Boat wholeheartedly and fully, but actually they are riding in Slave Boat and want to dip the other foot into Dignity Boat from time to time, trying to show sincerity but only trying to fool others…
They try to fool wife/in-laws, own parents, police, lawyers, mediators, judges; everyone – hoping to get some easy solution which is extremely unlikely in their situation. Once you are taken to law courts by wife/in-laws, an easy solution won’t be found from then on. The game is rigged, only playing it well can result in a win. That’s the reality.
There were always people who wanted to use time and effort of men’s rights activists as a resource – by acting helpless and pretending ignorance of laws/threats from wife, invoking both pity and sympathy (“my parents are old and sick”), projecting super-powers on in-laws (“they are powerful and connected”) — rather than respecting men’s rights groups as a community. But now, the deception by some is being raised into an art form.
I know for a fact that many people who come to our groups, do so after reading this site over a period of several months. Nothing wrong with that, the only thing I am trying to point out is that it is not that they are suddenly hit by enemy’s rocket, they have been reading things on this site and all over internet, and preparing for a long time. Yet, after joining groups, many pretend ignorance of how things work at CAW cell, why it is important for husband to take a proper stand, why they should not compromise on self-respect, and so on. They keep asking the same questions again and again like a broken record: “What will happen at CAW cell?”, “How can I prove XYZ”, “Can ABC be used as evidence?”, and so on. Many of these questions are already explained on this site, other websites, in men’s rights forums, but they want to ask their ‘unique’ question once again. It’s like they want to be served at the table, when the buffet is already laid out, where you are expected to pick up food yourselves!
Teaching them about men’s rights — or men’s human rights, or whatever more acceptable form – is a fool’s endeavour.
Rights belong to those who want to assert for their fair and rightful due. It may involve struggle and pain, but one thing people need to learn is: Freedom comes at a price.
The two-boat-wallahs have lived life on a conveyer belt so far… study well, get a job, get married, have kids, buy house, etc. etc. All the plan has been laid out by parents and society, and the only thing required is to execute. Work may be required, but uncertainty from life has been removed. Ride the conveyor belt, and you shall reach the destination.
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Now, those husbands hit by predatory females, suddenly find the conveyor belt methodology is not working out. The lawyer doesn’t know any quick way to either get your wife back, or failing that get you a divorce on the cheap; the MRA doesn’t know any way how to 100% safeguard and protect yourselves and parents; the police or CAW is not interested in your feigned interest in wife coming back. They have their own survival conveyor belt running, which means they have to pressurize husband into accepting whatever wife/in-laws want him to be. They will intimidate, ridicule husband and his family members, accept bribes, just for having fun on the side. And many of the morons actually fall for this drama, trying to bribe police, trying getting into their good books (if that should even be possible).
The end result is: those who want to ride both the boats will not reach anywhere, they will only fall into the water and drown.
The main problem for men rights groups is: trying not to enforce basic standards for ‘victims’ will continue to ensure MRAs themselves will remain as victims of the ‘victims’. Let people stick to one boat, and not allow to keep shifting from this to that boat as the situation evolves. The losers will only blame – as even now many do when they lose – the MRAs for not having guided them enough, or whatever else drama they are running in their lives.
The pretenders who just sit, and ask-and-ask-and-ask things in men rights groups, are not helping anyone, including themselves either. But for the sake of dignity of men, these pretenders should be side-lined rather than given centre stage or the mic.